The Perfect Home Office Setup: What’s Yours?
Let's find out what environment will suit you best if you opt to work from home.
A coworker interrupts you in the middle of something with an innocent question. How do you react?
Listen thoughtfully.
Yes! Talk to me!
WHY!?
Sorry, what was that?
Can't see you. Plants.
Reply and back to work.
Just message me.
How would you describe your desk?
Comfy
Functional
Fun!
Mindful
Lush
Makeshift
Necessary
What noise level are you comfortable with?
Utter silence.
Background hum
Pump up the jams!
You've started remote work. Cool! What was the reason for your decision to break out of the office?
Just going with the flow. It seemed to be the way things were heading, so you thought, why not?
To get away from the imbeciles.
It sounded like so much fun! You can play whatever shows you want in the background while you work.
You have a strong desire to explore, and this frees you from staying in one place. Hello world!
The sterile office environment was starting to bum you out. You can't wait to sit outside, amongst nature all day.
They ran out of places to put you. 'Do you have a laptop at home you could use?'' they asked.
The office is an archaic environment. You want to be able to customise your setup for optimum efficiency.
What do you usually get up to when you're not working?
Swimming.
Thinking about space.
Something thrilling!
Appreciating the moment
Tending your plants
Putting out fires
Absorbing information.
Under the Sea
You like it cold, and dark, and you tend to let things collect in drifts around your workspace. A bit of mould or algae in your old teacups never bothered you. In fact, it’s kind of comforting. It sounds like a remote office under the sea would be simply perfect for you! All the silent, dead-eyed friends you could ever want drifting around, just the way you like it, and no annoying mouth-breathers to pester you. Ah, bliss. Just watch your cruskits don’t get soggy.
The Moon
People are the worst. The worst! What if there was a place where nobody had been since fifty years ago? You can dream, right? Time to stop dreaming, my friend, because this is a reality. Once you’ve hacked NASA and bootlegged a rocket to the moon and sorted out all that dull logistical fluff like what you’ll eat for the rest of your life and how to manage waste, you will be an absolute productivity machine. Nobody will ever bother you again. While you’re raking in the cash, you can relish the eerie, malevolent space yawning infinitely all around you. It’s totally empty and devoid of atmosphere, like your soul.
Never-ending Slippery Slide
Life is a rollercoaster, baby, you just gotta ride it! In the immortal words of Ronan Keating: ‘Na, na, na, na, na, Na, na, na, na, na’. You try to keep it light at work, and you’re often distracted by fun and shiny things nearby. It would be best if you were constantly on a slippery slide, so that you never needed to wonder about the possibility of being on a never-ending slippery slide. Now that your wildest dreams have been fulfilled, you can focus with laser precision, softly singing ‘weeeee!’ all the while. What fun!
In a Blimp
Sure, blimps don’t go very fast, but they get there in style. It’s pretty trendy to do things slowly these days. How better to pull off ‘slow living’ than in a blimp? Once you’re in there, you can have a slow cooker on in the background, meditate regularly, ferment weird things in glass jars, and practice your calligraphy or whatever else it is you do in your own home. Just keep it out of the office, please, it’s taking up all the space that we use to put our phones and non-recyclable packaging.
Hotdesking in The Jungle
There’s a reason you saved all those Indiana Jones screenshots to your photo album as style inspo. It’s to help you survive the ever-encroaching plant population in your spaces. Your living space has been a lost cause for a long time - there’s not a surface that isn’t covered in creepers, creepy rare flesh-eating plants from the Amazon jungle, or dirt and little creepy crawlies. Your desk is rapidly going the same way. So why not just call a spade a spade? You were made for the jungle. You are a plant person, in an increasingly literal sense. Go. I’m told you can get wi-fi almost anywhere these days and failing that, there’s probably a Starbucks within 200m.
In A Shoe
Look, if a shoe is good enough for an old woman and her brats, it’s plenty good enough for you. You have no pretensions. You don’t try to be better than other people. Whatever it takes to get the job done is fine - whether that’s working in a stale office behind a butcher shop with a single, flickering fluorescent bulb and no windows, or a larger-than-life shoe filled with children. It’s all good, seriously. You don’t want to be a bother! It’s fine. So fine.
Upload Your Consciousness to the Cloud
Our physical bodies are remnants of a stage of evolution that we, as a species, are moving past. Even if most imbeciles don’t want to see it, it’s true. The currency of the future will be information, and the limits of your hardware are placing intolerable constraints on your ability to get ahead of the bell curve. Besides, think of all the resources our bodies demand, while giving us nothing in return. We have to sleep, eat, go outside, to the bathroom, and the worst part is the exercise. ‘No, Madam!’, you say, ‘pray release me from my mortal form, for I wish to glide amongst the dizzying currents of information.’ Here’s hoping the owners of the servers that house your consciousness pay rent on time.
