What Type of Poop Are You?

A very serious (and very silly) scientific personality quiz to see which Bristol stool type you truly embody.

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1. How do you approach your to-do list?

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I make one everyday and check it twice

I have a mental list... sort of.

What's a to-do list?

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What's your relationship with time?

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I'm always early. Like, painfully early.

Time is a construct.

I'm usually on time.

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How's your closet organized?

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Clean-ish piles. I know where everything is.

By color, season, and emotional vibe.

There might be a raccoon living in there.

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You're going on a trip. When do you pack?

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Ten minutes before my ride. Who needs socks?

The night before. Works fine.

A week ahead. I even bring backups for my backups.

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How do you handle stress?

5. How do you handle stress?
A. I catastrophize and over-prepare.
B. I talk it out or journal.
C. I nap and pretend it doesn't exist.

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I catastrophize and over-prepare.

I nap and pretend it doesn't exist.

I talk it out or journal.

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How clean is your kitchen sink right now?

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It's basically a biosafety hazard.

Some dishes, but not horrifying.

Sparkling. Even the sponge is sanitized.

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When someone gives vague plans like "Let's hang soon," you...

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Forget they even texted

Panic. Soon?? WHEN EXACTLY?

Say "Sure!" and maybe follow up later.

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What's your email inbox like?

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Inbox zero or I die.

Unread but manageable.

13,847 unread messages and counting.

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How do you order at resturants?

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I skim it and pick something I like.

I read the menu online beforehand.

I point at something and hope for the best.

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What's your weekend vibe?

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Scheduled activities and meal prep.

A mix of errands and chill.

Pure chaos.

💼 Type 1 – The Micromanager

Small, separate, hard lumps. You’re structured, driven, and possibly constipated—from stress and ambition. You get everything done—but at what cost?

📋 Type 2 – The Productive Log

A lumpy, sausage-shaped overachiever. You’re high-functioning with a few cracks showing. You keep it together, but could use a nap and a smoothie.

✅ Type 3 – The Functional Flow

Cracked sausage = healthy ambition. You’re balanced and flexible—structured enough to thrive, relaxed enough to poop regularly and sleep 8 hours.

😎 Type 4 – The Smooth Operator

The gold standard of stool and personality. Chill, reliable, and emotionally regular. You set the vibe and get things done.

🌀 Type 5 – The Blobby Optimist

Soft blobs with clear-cut edges. You go with the flow—maybe a little too fast. Your energy is contagious, but so is your disorganization.

⚡ Type 6 – The Whirlwind

Fluffy, mushy, chaotic. Your life is a caffeine-fueled fever dream. You're brilliant but often emotionally soggy. Slow down. Eat a vegetable.

🌊 Type 7 – The Feral Stream

Pure liquid. You’ve transcended structure and possibly reality. You’re either having a breakthrough or need immediate hydration and a nap.