What attachment style do you have?

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What attachment style do you have?

Learn how you learned to love.

Attachment creates a sense of safety, providing the existential ground for children to take appropriate risks that are necessary to learn and grow. What is experienced in childhood is coded as normal, safe & familiar.

Your attachment style describes how it is for you to ask for your needs, how you expect (or don't) to get your needs met and how you relate to yourself, others and the world. We can have more than 1 attachment style and our primary type can switch as we slowly heal attachment to build secure attachment with ourselves to feel safe in intimacy.

Attachment is how we expect our needs to be met in relationship, how we expect to be received and can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Do your lack of boundaries often lead to exhaustion, even burnout?

As in - you have difficulty saying "no". You say "yes" quickly, before even knowing if you WANT to say yes.

I don't want it to be true but it is

Nope - if anything, I tend to be stingy with my availability

Sometimes - I have to really take time to identify my capacity

Do you assume you're in trouble or have done something wrong?

If your boss calls you into their office or a friend says they have something to tell you.

Nope not me

I anticipate bad news more than being in trouble

Too often

Do people come to you for advice?

Often enough - I always have pearls of wisdom

Not really, I mind my own business

I have my own thoughts I keep to myself

Do you tend to keep score in relationships?

Like how many times whose done what? Like how many times you've been the one to start the conversation?

Yes - I want to make sure things are even. I don't want to owe someone.

Sometimes - I don't want to be a burden.

Not really - it all comes around

Do you tend to get angry or annoyed, seemingly out of the blue?

You might know why, but it comes on suddenly and strong. Sometimes disproportionately to what the situation calls for.

Yes and I don't like it

Cool as a cucumber - I don't feel STRONGLY

Only for fleeting moments

Do you tend to make yourself useful in relationships?

Yes - I can't help it

I love being helpful

Nope - I don't like being needed

Do you believe others are generally better than yourself?

As in - do you judge yourself harsher than you judge others?

I'm definitely guilty of self-deprecation

Sometimes my Inner Critic gets the best of me

I'm the opposite!

How specific are or were your preferences for your ideal partner?

Really specific, like "6', blue eyes, long hair"

Generalizations, like "creative, kind, teachable"

Happy to have someone who's nice to me

Do you punish yourself for being a "burden"?

This can be in thought or action. Do you say harsh things to yourself when there's an "inconvenience"? Do you procrasintae meals to avoid taking up space?

More than I want to

Not really my thing

If there's a chance I'll fail or be judged

Do you focus so much on others that you're often left depleted?

More often than I'd like

Not really

I'm waiting for permission to focus on myself

Do you apologize, even if you're not in the wrong, just to smooth things over?

"Keep the peace", like I always say

I'll only apologize if I did something wrong

Nope - but I will change the subject

Do you feel vindicated after a break-up and then deflated?

By vindicated, I mean a, "they'll see what they're missing" attitude

Once or twice

Just devastated

Most break-ups are a non-issue

Do you tend to "chameleon" with whoever you're around most?

Yup - I take on the habits & mannerisms like a mirror

Not exactly - but people tend to get only one side of me

Nope - I belong, not fit in

Are you afraid you're a bad person?

Like there's this unexplainable buzzing energy around you that makes you feel like you don't deserve anything good, no matter what?

One does not simply exist without the gnawing fear of being a terrible person.

Come and go these thoughts do.

I think I'm generally good. And that I don't need to be good to be loved.

Did you or do you roll your eyes in arguments?

Wouldn't dare

Once or twice it's happened

I'm less passive in my aggression

Would you rather do everything yourself than ask for help, even when you need it?

Yes - I need to do it on my own

Nope - I love being helped

I wait until someone offers help but never ask

Do you check with others before making a decision?

Yes - I always confer with people first

Nope - I ask for forgiveness, not for permission

I ask what people think but make my own choices

Do you tend to have "project" relationships, where you want to change, fix or save the person?

I think I can help them!

That's their own stuff

I don't mean to but it's a pattern

Do you tend to overexplain yourself or overshare, even when you don't mean to?

Sometimes this can lead to a vulnerability hangover

Yes - I end up talking in circles

I clam up

Overshare - not in circles, just more than I would want to

Do you tend to interpret neutral cues as negative?

Assuming someone's mad at you, when they might just be distracted

Assume I'm in trouble until proven otherwise

I read into things & personalize them - it hurts

Not so much - I give people the benefit of the doubt

Is it difficult for you to be alone?

It is - I end up busying myself to avoid being alone

Nope, I cherish my alone time

I think I'm alone too much

Do you want closeness but freeze up when people start to get to know you?

I'm nervous about being judged

I enjoy getting to know people - they become lifelong friends

I'm already picturing how it will end

Instead of saying, "no", do you give excuses or say, "we'll see"?

... it's my go-to

I speak my mind

I say "yes" and hope they cancel

Do you tend to isolate yourself when you're feeling, well, feelings?

Yes - I don't like feeling feelings

No - I need support

No one would ever know I was feeling

Do you tend to keep in touch with ex's?

Yes - anyone that's seen me naked & met my parents needs to be on good terms

Nope - what's done is done

If we were friends before, we'll be friends after

Do you want someone else to decide where you're going for dinner?

Yes - it truly doesn't matter to me

I like to be the one to choose

Yes - if I have decision fatigue

Do you worry people are mad at you if you haven't heard from them?

Yes - I assume I did something wrong

I get bogged down in shame, it feels like I could never reach out

The distance doesn't bother me

How do you feel about being ghosted?

I don't mind - people have lives

They could've been up front about it

I always wonder what I did wrong

Do you think people won't like you if they get to know you - the real you?

... that's accurate

What you see is what you get

I don't let people close enough to see me

Do people get "promoted" in your life quickly?

Acquaintances becoming good friends, becoming inseparable after a few dates

Yes - I'm always looking for a "best" person

I'd rather keep them at arm's length

It takes a while to get close to me, but when we are, I'm super loyal

Do you find you're more focused on other people's lives & problems than your own? Is your time & energy mostly outgoing or incoming?

Way more outgoing focus

Definite inward focus

Neither - I just try to get by

Do you worry that you care more for the people in your life than they care for you?

As in - that others care less about you than you care about them?

Keeps me up at night

I assume it's true

Not really, I think it ebbs and flows

Do you often disregard what you want to do - just to not make a fuss?

Yes, it just isn't worth it

That's assuming I know what I want to do

I speak my mind

Do you let little things build up and end up saying things you regret?

Yes - I tend to be meek or a volcano, not much in between

Nope - I get the small stuff out of the way

Sometimes I don't know where it comes from

Do you react with sharp, cutting tones when you're upset?

More often than I'd like to admit

Nope - I shut down

No - I end up apologizing

I just walk away

Are you prone to perfectionism so much that it leads to procrastination?

Like you have ideas about what you want to do but you're so afraid of failure you never do the thing

Yes - so many ideas never started

I start but never finish - I'm afraid of judgement

I don't notice perfectionism

Do you tend to have larger reactions to small issues and bite your tongue on big issues?

Like yelling over the dishes but not talking about the elephant in the room

Yes - I avoid big confrontation at all costs

I never bring up any issues, big or small - it isn't worth it

I'd rather talk about the big stuff

Do you tend to blame yourself for the relationship issues?

I assume there's something I did wrong or could've done differently

Maybe they just don't like me

Only if I actually did something wrong

Do you tend to get jealous (even about friends) but also to feel smothered by people?

Yes - I want to be someone's one and only, even though I know it isn't fair

Yes - I'm worried they'll find someone better and I'll be replaced

I feel more smothered than jealous

I generally feel even keel in relationships

Do you tend to second guess yourself and wish you had done or said something differently?

On every decision, big or small - especially about what I said

Only on big decisions - I have instant regret

Nope I trust my gut

Do you tend to picture the worst case scenario? Do you catch yourself daydreaming about catastrophes?

Yes - especially at night

Sometimes - when there's change afoot

Not really - I only worry about what I have enough information to worry about

Do you tend to walk on eggshells when you can't "read" someone?

Yes - I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop

Yes - I don't want to mess up (or be taken by surprise)

I trust people will tell me if something's wrong

Is it safer to not be vulnerable, just to avoid getting hurt?

Obviously it's best to avoid the potential of pain

It's worth the risk

I tend to give too much of myself away

Do you tend to put people on a pedestal?

Yes - I assume people know more than me

Sometimes - I wait to see how we compare

Nope - I think I have just as much to offer as anyone else

Do you accidentally "keep score" in relationships to make sure things are "even"?

Yes - I don't want to owe anyone

Yes - I don't want to be a burden

Nope, I assume it'll all even out

Do you ever "leave before you get left"?

As in, do you withdraw or pull away when things are going "too good"?

Ugh yes - I tend to self-sabotage

Sometimes - it can feel empowering

Nope - I usually wait for the end to come naturally

Do you avoid saying your opinion until you know what other people think first?

Yes - I don't want to be wrong

I guess - I just don't want to rock the boat

Nope - I usually have lots to say

Do you feel incomplete if you're not in a relationship?

More than I'd like to admit

I like sharing life with someone

I cherish time alone

How strong is your persona when you first meet someone?

As in - do you hide things from people until they really get to know you?

My persona is an impenetrable wall - I have to know someone is in it to show my authentic side

I make sure other people talk about themselves so I don't have to talk about myself

I'm pretty steadfast - what you see is what you get

Are you aware of what others think of you most of the time?

Yes - I know where I stand

I try to guess- it takes up a lot of mental energy

It doesn't impact me

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You are {result #1 percent} Avoidant Attachment

You're avoidant! You have a deep fear of being seen because being seen (even accurately), feels exposing. So it's easier to stay hidden. You have different friend groups that rarely meet and they each know a different side of you. It isn't that you're inauthentic, you just don't know how to bring all of these separate parts together.

Your fear leads to escapism, numbness - anything to "get away". For you, the formula of love that has been handed down to you is that Love is Absence. You've learned that love leaves, that love disappears. So it's easier to avoid closeness to not feel that pain. You can be rigid but it's only because you're afraid of being judged for being new at something. You expect instant mastery of yourself. And the perfectionism is unflinching.

It's a brave thing to trust in love - to say "yes" to the inevitability of heartbreak to truly experience the fullness of love. It's a brave thing to allow yourself to be seen, to risk being understood. You deserve to be seen, known, heard and understood. You deserve to be loved.

Learn more about how to heal your attachment type by signing up here - you'll have access free somatic practices, meditation and free access to the introduction of the Attachment Course.

More details:

{result #2 percent} Ambivalent Attachment

{result #3 percent} Anxious Attachment

{result #4 percent} Disorganized Attachment

{result #5 percent} Secure Attachment

You are {result #2 percent} Ambivalent Attachment

You're an ambivalent! You're always walking on eggshells - in every relationship, friendship, even & especially at work. You never know what response you'll get so you prepare for it all. You exhaust yourself trying to anticipate everything before it happens. It's led to workaholism - never-ending busyness.

The formula you've inherited is that love is unpredictable. People will be either compassionate or critical and it isn't worth the risk. You crave intimacy, but tend to keep people at arm's length. When you do get close to someone (oftentimes by accident), you brace for them to leave. You've created a genius way to keep love at arm's length but still feign closeness - persona. If people never really know you, they can never really reject you. But then, you're never really known.

You're acutely aware of peoples' expectations of you and have pretty high expectations of yourself too. You don't let yourself off the hook for much. Your Inner Critic wouldn't allow you to fail. It isn't an option.

You can learn to trust in love. Listen to your body and differentiate intuition from fear. You deserve to surrender to love.

Learn more about how to heal your attachment type by signing up here - you'll have access free somatic practices, meditation and free access to the introduction of the Attachment Course.

More details:

{result #1 percent} Avoidant Attachment

{result #3 percent} Anxious Attachment

{result #4 percent} Disorganized Attachment

{result #5 percent} Secure Attachment

You are {result #3 percent} Anxious

You're anxious! You generally view other people as better than yourself so you spend a lot of your time apologizing. There's a vague, buzzing sensation that keeps uttering how you don't deserve love. That isn't true. But your negative self-talk gets the better of you. You're terrified of abandonment from others and you've ended up abandoning yourself. Holding others in such high esteem comes at the cost of your own self-worth.

It's difficult for you to be alone so you be sure to keep busy, to keep useful. You spend a lot of time, more time than you'd like to admit, obsessing about how reciprocal your relationships are. It can come across as clingy, but you're actually trying to not be a burden. Your need for reassurance is because of a primordial formula that LOVE IS EARNED.

So when you're asking for reassurance in relationships, you're asking, "have I done enough to be loved by you?" You're waiting to be able to receive love but have no idea how or when to let yourself be loved. The nagging, "do you even deserve it" keeps getting in the way.

Love is an infinite resource. You don't need to earn love. You deserve to be loved.

Learn more about how to heal your attachment type by signing up here - you'll have access free somatic practices, meditation and free access to the introduction of the Attachment Course.

More details:

{result #1 percent} Avoidant Attachment

{result #2 percent} Ambivalent Attachment

{result #4 percent} Disorganized Attachment

{result #5 percent} Secure Attachment

You are {result #4 percent} Disorganized

You're disorganized! Your danger-safe cues are skewed because the people who were supposed to protect you perpetrated harm - they couldn't protect you. You learned that love will hurt you. But we still need love. So instead you blame yourself. After all, if it was your fault (it wasn't), then there's something you could do to prevent it from happening again (you couldn't). After all, if it was your fault (it wasn't), there must've been something terrible you did to deserve this (there isn't). It's just easier to believe you're the problem than face the enormity of the real problem.

You tend to be dissociative at best and hyper-vigilant, well, most of the time. You need to orient yourself in your surroundings immediately and feel uneasy when you don't where the exits are or if your back isn't against the wall. It's not that you feel afraid all the time, it's that chaos has become familiar. It's in the chaos that you thrive. When things are going too well for you, you don't trust it. You're bracing for the other shoe to drop.

You assume people who love you will not only leave at some point, but will use what they know against you. It's happened before. It could happen again. Relationships never last anyway. There's a feeling like you're too hard to love, but what's the point in trying?

You aren't too hard to love. You deserve to feel safe AND loved. The two go hand in hand.

Learn more about how to heal your attachment type by signing up here - you'll have access free somatic practices, meditation and free access to the introduction of the Attachment Course.

More details:

{result #1 percent} Avoidant Attachment

{result #2 percent} Ambivalent Attachment

{result #3 percent} Anxious Attachment

{result #5 percent} Secure Attachment

You are {result #5 percent} Secure

You're Secure! You're able to identify your needs, know how to meet your own needs, can ask for your needs to be met and generally expect that your needs will be met. You understand that even if your needs aren't met right away, that your needs are still important. You know that other people don't define your worth, that your worth isn't in what you do - but in who you are.

You generally like yourself and believe you have important gifts to offer the relationships in your life. You ask for support when you need it and practice connecting with your body often. You're ready to move through the heartbreaks & losses that come alongside love.

Learn more about how to heal your attachment type by signing up here - you'll have access free somatic practices, meditation and free access to the introduction of the Attachment Course.

More details:

{result #1 percent} Avoidant Attachment

{result #2 percent} Ambivalent Attachment

{result #3 percent} Anxious Attachment

{result #4 percent} Disorganized Attachment